Sitting down at the keyboard after a long break—or specifically, after a prolonged anxiety attack—feels I imagine the same as Lady Gaga or Guy Fieri feels after a battle with laryngitis. A few keystrokes and she’s back in tune. Away we go!
That’s a lie; it’s takes more than a few keystrokes. Sometimes, it takes a few of these stream-of-consciousness word-vomit sessions. I’m just typing what I’m thinking right now. It forces me to slow down and figure out what I think about things.
Anyway, I digress…
What I was going to say is… The problem is, the minute I sit back down at the keyboard, all I want to do is play the hits. I want to play my favorite video game, maybe of all time, Diablo 2. It’s the thing that feels most comfortable to me. The thing at which I have quite a lot of confidence in myself.
Plus, as I say about certain television shows, ‘it’s a comfort thing.’ I know that game very well, so there is very little chance I’ll be surprised by anything. Really what I mean is, scared by anything. Any surprises that occur would be dopamine-inducing anyway, such as finding a rare item for my character.
What the fuck am I even talking about right now? Why does all this stuff even matter? In this journaling session, I’m doing what I call “shaking off the cobwebs.”
I’m reacquainting myself with my inner voice. I’m practicing slowing my thoughts down to roughly 50 words per minute, which is my typing speed. I don’t know what the speed of thought is, but I know it’s faster than 50 words per minute because I can feel my thoughts slowing down while I’m doing this.
That’s enough for now. I’m exhausted.